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Jon Radtke

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Quick Facts

Name: Jon Radtke
Birthday: September 17 1980
Birthplace: Chicago, IL
Status: Involved
Orientation: Bi
Religion: I'll let you know
Sign: Virgo
Smoke: Yes
Drink: Yes
Children: Someday
Education: Some college

Kill Hannah Facts

Band: Kill Hannah.
Location: Chicago, IL.
Rank: Guitar / Backing vocals.
Band Members: Mat, Greg, Dan, Garret.
Gear: Gibson Les Paul, Marshall (JCM 2000 DSL), Line 6, Maxon.

[ Race the dream ]
[Sat x  26 July 2008 x 04:21p]
A year and a half and I still have this journal. It's open now so you can add me or not, it's your choice.

[In case you were wondering this IS NOT JON RADTKE'S JOURNAL. Jon is too busy updating his MySpace to keep one of these too. If you understand it's totally fake and still want to be added then go ahead and comment and I will consider it.]
00013 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Fri x  17 September 2004 x 07:12p]
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
This journal is now closed
Go add jonradtke

What a perfectly cheesy way to close this.

[Thu x  16 September 2004 x 07:35p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  happy ]

I haven't updated in 3 days because so much has been going on and I really want to talk about it all but for the moment it's going to have to wait. So for the moment I am going to say that last night was a fucking blast with a little early bday surprise for me at Elm Street. The night turned into a total haze but it was a lot of fun to introduce Michael to my world. I've been trying really hard for him to get to know the real me and not some character of myself. I guess that is why it was so important for me to have him meet friends of mine that have known me since I was a kid. It's one thing to have people talking about how funny you are or how good looking you are but it's more real when you're friend that has known you since 8 turns to your lover and says, "Why do you hang around with him? He's not that cool." Now that is real.

Which brings me to my next topic. I have a new found fondness for the word lover. I think it says so many things. In one way it's highly endearing. Plus it comes across as being enthusiastic about the person you are with. Like you have a strong bond with them and there is admiration that is unspoken. On the other hand it usually comes along with this more dirty side, it can have that unneeded stigma with it that implies that you're doing something wrong. I think I like that part of it too, something risque about it. Something dangerous.

Anyway let's talk about today. We're in Iowa and we decided to get a few hotel rooms here because we're going to party after the show. Having me overly drunk tomorrow night on my bday would be bad seeing as we have a sold out show at the Metro on Saturday. Kick ass kids. We have these hotel room and half of Chicago is here for the show and party afterwards. Which is completely fucking awesome. I even have special visitors like Gerard (who has to be here or I would murder him), and Claire who I just know brought me a really kick ass gift. I wish Parker were here but I know she is working hard but I want her to know that I am still thinking of her anyway.

So far I have been spending my time getting ready. I took the longest shower I have in awhile and I smell so nice like, Pantene. Claire got here and we spoke a bit and decided that John Robinson's new name is Gunter. Don't ask why, it just is and if I tried to explain it, it wouldn't make sense to anyone but us. She settled herself right into hanging out with Mat. I don't really get them honestly. One minute they will be arguing over poetry and art and the next minute they will be giggling and cuddling up on a couch but I think that is the dynamic of their friendship. It's like as much as they argue and don't see eye to eye on things somewhere they get one another and in the end all the bickering doesn't seem to matter.

I left Michael alone for a bit while I went to pick up Gerard. I figured it would be a good opportunity for him to spend time with the band one one one so they got to know him and also for me and Ger to talk before being swarmed by the million people that seem to have flooded the University of Iowa. I was still bitching about the video and Myspace thing when I got him but I forgot all about it when I noticed he was reading Trainspotting and we both giggled like school boys everytime the name Sick Boy came up. So now we're just going to hang out before the show and let everyone mingle. I am really interested to see how Amara, Gerard and Michael fit into a room but something tells me that everything is going to flow like water. Similar minds and all. I guess we'll find out but for now I am just happy. really fucking happy.

00032 Lived fast [ and for real ]

I met a girl who sang the blues and I asked her for some happy news [Mon x  13 September 2004 x 02:58p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  optimistic ]

I hate being on the verge of confessing something and then have to suppress it again. I am starting to realize how often in the past two years I have done that. How many of the things that I was feeling I brushed off no matter how important they were to me because I was either afraid of the confrontation or I was just unwilling to deal with how things made me feel at the time. The problem I have found is that little things will happen and they will automatically bring back those emotions and I end up feeling like I did all this weekend.

I wound up going into work to cover for a friend that got sick. I really needed the money so I wasn't going to complain. It's been awhile since I bartended and I didn't even feel like drinking until the end of the of night. I had too much on my mind I guess. My childhood friend stopped in about an hour before the bar closed. He asked me what I had done earlier in the day Saturday before we all hung out the previous night. I told him I finally settled myself down to watch "The Dreamers". I was waiting for the Michael conversation but instead we wound up discussing the movie itself and more so Janis Joplin. One things leads to another and we're listening to the local classic rock station while cleaning up the bar after hours. We shared a few shots before he left since he had to get up for work today. I feel sorry for people with "real" jobs.

It was about 3:30 when I heard a key in the lock. I assumed it was Bob coming to check up to make sure the bar was alright and that everything got done but it wasn't, it was Amara. She smiled at me and said, "Hey Stranger," and I know that is a common thing to say but I think in this instance it was dead on. Lately it seems we don't speak at all or when we do it's usually to fight over some bullshit that is happening in the other's life. She hopped up at the bar and jokingly told me that I should serve her for a change. So there we were for a long time, her seated at the bar, me on the other side facing her and leaning over. Neither one of us were in the mood for deep bullshit talk. Instead we focused on the good in life. Music, movies, art, are J-lo and Marc over already. You know, all the hot topics. They played The Eagles, "New Kid in Town," and I told her how much I hate that song. For the same reason that my friend Jude hates the song "Hey Jude." It's just one of those things you just can't avoid. I knew she was getting drunk when she got all excited when the station played The Cars, "Just What I Needed", and she started spinning around on the stool singing along.

I don't think any night of listening to classic rock for 3 hours is complete until you have heard them play Don Maclean's "American Pie." I think it's physically impossible for a classic rock station to not play that song at least once in a 4 hour period. It's probably wrote down in some rule book somewhere. However if you haven't heard the song for awhile it's not so bad and when you're drunk at 5 am, a beautiful girl taking your hand to dance to it, isn't so bad. Of course it had to be followed up by Led Zepplin's, "Stairway to Heaven," and as we swayed with the music I joked to her that I was sure this is how my uncle must have felt at his prom. When the sun started to come up, we knew it was time to go home.

...she just smiled and turned away

00011 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Sat x  11 September 2004 x 08:20p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  envious ]

I think envy has to be the worst of all emotions because with it comes insecurity, anger, vengeance, horrible things. You can always see it coming on and you recognize it when it's going on but sometimes we don't want to stop it because within it, we also find that beautiful feeling of just being totally self righteous. I feel really full of myself and I don't think it's the 1/5th of Jack Daniels I have managed to down in a short period of time. I know this all boils down to me feeling used and rejected but you would hurt too when you put so much of yourself into something every single fucking day for months and get absolutely no recognition for it and then someone that doesn't do a 1/16th of what you do comes along and takes all the glory.

I guess you are probably wondering by this point what in hell could have me this upset. Well it's simple. My Chemical Romance is the Feature Band on What the fuck is that shit? I have worshipped myspace religiously for months now, checking my pages, adding my friends back, using it for my "internet networking" It's like obeying the 10 Commandments but what the fuck do I have to show for it? Nothing but calloused fingers and a broken heart. Gerard just sits by idly making a cd that I know what IT'S REALLY ABOUT and makes some super funny video for "I'm Not Okay(I Promise)", which I know what it's about, and suddenly he and his band are regaled in the eyes of my God.

Oh Trent Reznor! I feel you now. How can one God be so cruel??? The meek shall inherit the Earth, my ass. I am going to end up being a bitch hermit in my apartment where I support myself by supplying drug addicts with bags of my pee pee after I clean up my act because I can't afford drinking anymore. However, you know, for 20 bucks a bag I might consider giving up drinking. Give me big cases of Aquafina and a comfy bathroom and I bet I can whip out several pints every few hours. Mat suggested today he become a piss farmer. Just get a bunch of "cows" to milk and they would be his bread and butter. Only he would think of something like this.

Tonight however I must dull the pain that Myspace has inflicted on me and that can only be cured with Jack Daniels.

This update brought to you by pure drunk sarcasm.

0003 Lived fast [ and for real ]

LMFAO [Fri x  10 September 2004 x 11:01p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  LMFAO ]

Foamy made a whole cartoon just about Mat it seems

And I just noticed this...

Aug 24, 2004 08:26 PM

I seriously feel cheated that we didn't get a photo of that perverted dog. No one believes me that he had balls and plumbing bigger then a 3 year old child.

Wtf? lmao I love her the end.

00018 Lived fast [ and for real ]

You said you read me like a book, but the pages are all torn and frayed [Thu x  09 September 2004 x 11:55a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  calm ]

Some people you just know really well. It takes nothing more then a glance in their eyes or catching a certain body movement they do that lets you in to their emotions. I can do that with a few of my friends. No matter what words they are saying to me their underlying presence gives everything away. I suppose that in my short time though, I have learned you can't push it. If someone is truly close to you and they are willing to talk about their situation, they will. It's always just a matter of time and all I have to do is remain open and available.

Gerard showed up at my place Tuesday night after I had got back from my week spent in NYC with Michael. I probably should be spending a few days by myself but perhaps I will get that come Sunday before the mad rush of everyone coming in for my birthday next week begins. I am glad I came home when I did because I think for him it was good timing. I really can't believe that he's been sober for so long now. To say I am proud of him doesn't seem like enough. I can tell it's really hard for him and with losing his girlfriend(she who shall not be named), running around like a fucking mad man with the band. I mean fuck, everytime I pick up a music magazine anymore there seems to be an MCR blurb in there and dealing with staying sober through the whole mess. I think it just proves how strong I always told him he was. Anyway we wound up sitting around my living room catching up, talking about our lives and prostate cancer parties, the usual. He kept telling me he was fine but at the end of the night his head was on my shoulder and that said it all.

However the next day, I found out something totally new about Gerard. We decided to go shopping at a department store to give us something to do in the middle of the afternoon. It had been raining out and my shoes made a delightfully squeaky noise on the department store floor. So I kept doing it. I guess it must be Gerard's fingernails on a chalk board because before long he was chasing me down the escalator telling me he was going to kill me if I kept assaulting his ears with my high pitched annoyance. We managed to kill 3 hours just doing nothing in this store but I am sure every employee wanted us to get the hell out and stop messing up their tables and racks.

I got a phone call from Michael earlier in the evening and it was great to hear his voice again. Funny how one day can go by and you can already start to miss the sound of someone's voice. We had so many great conversations when I was in Brooklyn with him that I must have grown accustomed to having them and I think he did too. I told him to call me this morning so we could have coffee and cigs together over the phone. I think that was the best thing about being out there. Waking up, talking about crazy dreams and what we'd like to do with the day. We decided that he is going to come out next Wednesday so he can see me dj and then we'll drive out to Iowa together for the show so he can be around for my birthday. I decided on Wednesday cause you know, the sooner the better in my mind.

Last night I did my usual dj thing at Elm Street since I was actually home for a change. Gerard came out to hang out and Hannah got Mat to leave his apartment and stop being a total recluse. I had a good feeling that once he was out and started talking to friends again and had a few drinks in him he would feel better. It was a pretty calm night and I think I only shoved Greg once so that was a plus. I spent a good portion of my time talking to Hannah while she is in town. I know soon she is going to have to go to England to start her classes. Part of me is secretly jealous of that cause I really do want to go back to school sometime but I know it's going to have to wait for the moment. I realized that she has never been over to my place before so I told her to stop on by tonight so she could hang out. Played some usual stuff and The Notwist "Consequence" for Michael.

So there you go, all caught up.

Oh yeah and reading Courtney Love say...

2004-09-08 19:41 (link)
those are the fucking waters of life so swim, you little bitch Michael after saying she spread her legs made me lose my sex drive for a good 30 minutes.

00012 Lived fast [ and for real ]

This is a total band update, kind of, sort of, [Wed x  08 September 2004 x 02:17a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  Yearning ]

First things first. We have announced some tour dates for the East Coast and you all should know them by heart and be planning your Greyhound/Amtrak adventures to come see us. If you haven't seen us yet this is your chance to repent for being so awful and not having done it yet. Read them and memorize them, there will be a test later.

Tour DatesCollapse )

We're fucking playing Brooklyn! Ok I am the only one getting a huge kick out of this but we've never played Brooklyn before and now...I am speechless. Gerard is over and is spending the next day or two with me and since he is a resident New Yorker and happens to know quite a lot about Brooklyn I decided to ask him about it.

More proof I shouldn't drinkCollapse )

Finally. If you are going to the show on the 18th be aware we will be playing 2 new songs. Mat has affectionately titled them "Black Poison Blood" and "This is the Collapse" ahaha obviously he is in a swell mood. Keep checking for clips of the two new songs that will be posted up there next week before the show.

Now I am going to go to bed and ache.

00019 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Tue x  07 September 2004 x 03:20a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  mesmerized ]

I am laying on a cloud. Albeit a grey one it's a cloud. I think this is what being free feels like. What having nothing holding you back translates to in a emotional form. I move with ease and everything seems to conform around me and feel right but I feel the tugs from all directions. Normally I would give. I would curl into what tugs the hardest but no more. Not at all. I am digging deeper. I have no guilt, no shame. this was meant to be. I am loose and I reached a part of myself I never thought was possible but their is a part of me left. Oh so much of me still left.

And some of me I didn't know was there. You are a portal. When I touch you, I bring you out. When you touch me you bring out the me I didn't know existed. I found the me I buried, as though we uncovered a mummy left to decay but a tug at one of it's bandages opened a still fresh wound because it never healed, not until now. Every mark is a space on my body to expel the toxins.

Bleed me dry.

0005 Lived fast [ and for real ]

oh i miss the kiss of treachery the aching kiss [Mon x  06 September 2004 x 02:22p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  numb ]

The shrill sounds of screams rung through my ears. My body so bent I could barely stand. My head so clouded with anger that my eyes saw red. My stomach turning so much I was sure I was going to be sick. If I could have shot the stereo I would. I wondered how anyone could be so cold, until I looked at you and understood. My blood froze as it ran through my veins, eyeing you like you were Satan himself. Do you remember the things I said to you? Do you remember how I tore you down? I used to think you got some sort of sick perversion out of it. Pushing me to those limits and then watching me break down, break you down, break the world down around us.

You could turn it off as quickly as you turned it on. To have me screaming one minute and begging the next. You knew all along...all along.

now that i know that i'm breaking to pieces i'll
pull out my heart and i'll feed it to anyone
crying for sympathy crocodile cry for the love
of the crowd

I made it about myself. I made it about what I could do and what I couldn't do and it was never that at all, was it? Maybe I was too young to understand. Maybe I didn't want to see it for myself but when clarity comes to you in a dream like it did last night, there is no denying it. I understand now what I couldn't before. For the first time I realize what that was all about and I assume you must be laughing right now. That you saw all of this coming.

I selfishly believed it was about inflicting pain when really it was a warning against it. It was about being true to yourself before you get in too deep and find that the water is too deep to swim in.

happiness murmured in dreams when we both
of us knew how the end always is...

00024 Lived fast [ and for real ]

I don't intend to create a pain in your heart I am a pain in the ass [Sat x  04 September 2004 x 02:16p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  indescribable ]

A long time ago a bunch of us took a test that was about personality types. We discussed how very much acurate they were with only small discrepancies. Mine was something like you're basically a hippie. You like to give love and help people out but when crossed you have a horrible mean streak. Most people don't get to see my mean streak but lately people have been pulling it out of me. I feel kind of a like a sleeping lion. I was really content to just lay there lazily and watch life go on around me but one too many children poked me with a stick.

I would hope by now, or at least after my past 2 weeks worth of updates you would have come to the realization that I am a highly emotional person. My moods go from one to the next very quickly. In that I have very little stability in my life. Things are always in a constant state of flux. Therefore the things in my life that do provide me with stability I cling to. They are maybe the most important thing in the world to me and when I see something or someone fucking with it, it just brings out my bad side and it happens in a matter of moments. I spout off usually in anger to vent on how I feel at the moment not because I hate someone or that I am being controlling just mearly because I am fucking pissed.

Which is why Majandra and I have got along for so long. She is fucking fierce and lets that side of herself out so easily. The side of myself I try to hold back she embraces. There is a reason why when we fight, which yes happens to be often, that I know how to handle her. It's because I know exactly how she feels. I know it's that immediate reaction to just lash out and tear everything down around you that is causing you to hurt even if you know when you calm down you're going to wish you hadn't said or did the things you did.

This is just leading me to wonder if any of you really know me at all. If you just see me in a certain light and when I am not living up to that mold you act shocked like you couldn't possibly understand me being human and having a range of emotions that don't all cater around how you feel. I am not a fucking saint. If I was questioning my change in life recently the past few days have reassured me that I am doing the right thing. It's time I started being me and not something else. Most of you won't like it. That's not my fault.

Speaking of which, I am supposed to meet John for coffee. Too bad I wasn't awake when he saw Michael. That could have been interesting.

day by day I can see a change in every way some things get worse some things get better

00012 Lived fast [ and for real ]

This quiz is pretty scary [Fri x  03 September 2004 x 11:46p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT OLD MAN ]

I stole it from michaelpitt who stole it from amanda_latona and so on and so forth...

Duh I am a sex bombCollapse )

0004 Lived fast [ and for real ]

gonna smash myself to pieces i don't know what else to do [Fri x  03 September 2004 x 02:05p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline ]

I have said it once before and I will say it again. It's the little things that matter. It's about detail, knowing someone well enough to know what makes them happy. Knowing how they like their coffee, what flavor ice cream is their favorite, which way they like to have their martini, what their favorite flower is. Sometimes it's knowing what makes them feel best. How they like to be hugged, how they like their back rubbed or maybe which way they like to feel your fingers in their hair.

In finding out this information about people you will also discover their weaknesses. Often times people don't even realize the little weak spots they are exposing of themselves because they are focusing on the good things. The pleasurable things. The reason we're all really here. I try not to use other people's weaknesses against them but I am only human and I know when pushed I know which buttons to push. I know what will get under someone's skin. As for myself, I am fully aware of my weaknesses and I know when someone is playing on them and usually it's my choice to let them.

Two things happened recently that may be small but meant the absolute world to me. It's not very often that someone will stop and sacrifice something just for my well being. I am not used to it at all. As appreciative I am of it at the same time I feel guilty. Mostly because for every little good thing that happens it only takes one cutting remark or snide comment to make me question everything and ruin it all. It's how I operate, how I always have. It's an extreme high that can come crashing down to an extreme low. This is the reason I can go from being a really nice person to an asshole in under 2.5 seconds. It is my ying and yang. It's my self defense because I haven't learned another way to deal with it.

I am done. My head is finally clearing after weeks of chemical clouds and there will be no more excuses and no more apologies. I am your best friend, I am an asshole. I am your lover and I am a whore. I am your confidant and I am the knife in your back. I am not anything you aren't yourself.

00049 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Thu x  02 September 2004 x 02:05p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  content ]

I woke up with a wicked hangover but who cares. I am up! This morning the sun was shining in the window really palely and it was kind of comforting. There was just the most gentle breeze flowing into the bedroom and I realized, it would be completely wrong to pass up on a day like this. So I was up.

Morning have been starting off nicely. You know the cigarette to clear the sleepy out of your eyes and then coffee. Dash of cream, 3 scoops of sugar. I don't understand people that drink coffee without sugar. How do you deny sugar for that matter? Now that I am thinking about it, I could probably eat a whole bag of Starburst fruit and creams. Ok that really wouldn't make a good lunch. So anyway, I decided after coffee and cigs to help Michael straighten up the apartment a bit. Not a whole lot just pick up the 8 billion crushed, empty packs of cigarettes that somehow managed to accumulate while I have been here. We smoke like fiends, it's pretty horrible.

Afterwards we took a shower. You know, like I did and he did. I am glad I am being so eloquent today, anyway, once we were cleaned up we headed out of the house to get a little fresh air and sun. We both look like pale white ghosts at the moment so I know it couldn't have hurt us. He took me to a little deli a few blocks from his house and I got them to make me a nice veggie sandwich. Lunch went on for two hours because we got lost in conversation. I finally decided it was time to go when the deli owner was looking at us like, "Buy something else or get out!"

Once we got back to his place his eyes filled with that familiar glow and it made me smile. He ran off for his paper journal and started to quickly scribble things down. I decided to give him his space and hopped online here. Friends page is pretty messed up today. Mat I would offer to come home but it seems you wouldn't need me too. Everyone and their mother is willing to be there. Either way the offer does stand, you know I would if you needed me. For now I can tell that Michael is going to be writing for awhile so I am going to go to Gerard's and feed his cat again and deal with the things I didn't the last time I was there. Wish me luck, I'll probably need it.

p.s. 15 more days people. I expect gifts.

p.s.s. OH! I almost forgot. For the past three nights in a row I have been dreaming about a midget Cabbage Patch Kid doll that has claws like a kitten and attacks me from under my bed. Last night I caught it and ran out of the house with it after I cut all it's hair off and tried to toss it into a moving car to get it away from me but I missed the window so a little girl came up to me when I missed the window and asked if she could have it. So I told her yes. hahah I gave a possessed evil doll to a little girl. I am a bad man.

00011 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Wed x  01 September 2004 x 03:44p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  Manic ]

Today is officially random retarded update day. Everyone needs to just update about absolute nonsense. I have several points of just babble, well except for the first piece. The first piece is very serious.

1.) I heard that Heidi Klum is seeing Seal. If this is true, if he's having sex with her, I am ending my life right fucking now. I don't like him. I don't like his music and the thought of them making babies makes me wants to jump off the highest roof possible.

2.) Bam Margera updated his photogallery and the one with The Sounds contains a picture of rivell_j, _bam_margera_, and myself. It looks like this. joeylaurenadams said I was everywhere the other day and I am starting to think she is correct. I should say Jonny Lauren cause it's hot when she is a Jonny. All Jonny's are hot.

3.) I got bored and I went to our message board to read a few things. Somehow an innocent question about lyrics turned into things like, WHAT KIND OF CONDOMS DOES JONNY LIKE?? Followed up with someone saying, "I bet he likes the warm sensation condoms." lmao wtf? I mean I do but wtf? However it did remind me of that post I did a few months back about sex. I think I got into a conversation later with Majandra about the KY warming liquid.

Either way this is why I can't do band chats anymore because people ask me things like that. The last time I did a chat for the band someone did the obvious, boxers or briefs and of course being the open and honest person I am I told them neither. Mat swears to God that I picked up a whole new batch of fans from that chat.

4.) I sweat really bad on stageCollapse )

00035 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Wed x  01 September 2004 x 02:12a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  conscientious ]

Everyone has one. A cd that they put on and it just cried out to them SEX. Sure there are songs that we can listen to that envoke that emotion but a whole cd that puts you in the mood is rare. For me it's Massive Attack's "Mezzanine". From the opening chords of "Angel" I feel my body move with the music. The slow brilliant chords moving in a slow, up and down, undulating fashion. It's serpentine. It is fluid motion like bodies walking through gel. By "Inertia Creeps", its passion bound and released. Hunger moving at ferocious paces. The tearing, the clawing, the long time over need pushing them to crazy bounds as they struggle and gasp.

Recollect me darling raise me to your lips
Two undernourished egos four rotating hips
Hold on to me tightly I'm a sliding scale
Can't endure then you can't inhale

Oh but that is just the heat I always break at "Dissolved Girl" . Or I have broke at that. It's there I feel it. The slow rapture again. I can hear this all in my head even if it's not playing. I think it's the rolling rhythm. Yes the rolling. It flows, it moves, don't stop rolling.

dissolveCollapse )

It's a life of it's own. Energy feeds off of energy and this energy glows red.

00011 Lived fast [ and for real ]

my head is filled with disease my skin is begging you please i'm on my hands and knees... [Tue x  31 August 2004 x 03:55p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  sleepy ]

Last night I had a dream that I was driving. I always like when I dream about myself behind the wheel because I don't normally drive. In my dream I was at work and decided for my lunch break that I would drive to get something to eat. Somehow in that short amount of travel I managed to get myself lost and I didn't know how to get back to where I needed to be. I was concerned that people would think that I didn't care anymore and that I just decided to up and quit without any notice. Several times I stopped to call someone for directions but when I did either the phone didn't work or no one answered. Somehow I ended up in a city park where I sat down with some street kids to just eat my lunch. I asked them if they knew how to get back to where I was and they told me that they could but it didn't really matter and that I should be more concerned with where I want to be and not where I feel like I have to be. They were hungry and I wound up giving them my lunch instead and as I was sitting there, having given up on getting back to work someone came to rescue me. Probably the last person I would have imagined.

I've been having a lot of dreams though. Mostly because for the most part I spend my days sleeping on Michael's couch. It's amazing he hasn't kicked me out yet. I have been trying to be quiet and respectful of his space. Sometimes I just lay there watching him work on a new project. He has an intense life about him when he starts creating. You hear people talking about artists that put everything they are into their work and when I watch him I can see it. It becomes physical. His body leans in and out, lips purse and his brow furrows. His gaze is so intent that I think he blocks out sound because the only voice he can hear is the creative one inside his head. As he works, his body gesturing to his muse the room fills with energy. It becomes alive with activity. Aura's of intensity, passion, creativity, sadness, anger, lust, seem to swarm about clashing into one another until he's done and the room starts to quiet down, until finally it's still and I fall back to sleep.

I really don't have much of a choice but to sleep. It hits me with such ferocity that I become consumed and I can't deny it because I know that it's real. I know for the first time in a long time that this is how I feel and it's frightening. I forgot what life was like when it was as bright as it was dark. When moods were colors and those colors were just as luminous if it was red or if it was black. Right now everything feels as heavy as being hit by a ten ton truck and as apprehensive as I am, as withdrawn as I may seem to be right now. I don't want it to stop.

00015 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Sun x  29 August 2004 x 03:40a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  calm ]

I wanted to talk a little bit about comfort. Everyone needs it and yet very few of us usually get it in an pure and honest form. I was joking around with Parker and Seth a few weeks ago about a new trend in NYC called "cuddle parties". The concept is very simple. A bunch of strangers get together in their pajamas and hug each other for a few hours. Yes it seems a little silly but I can see where people would feel the need to just be held and what a simple way of going about it. The rules are very simple. You hug, you talk, there is no sex. Everyone knows what the boundaries are and everyone walks away getting what they were looking for.

For the rest of us, it's not that simple. Trying to get comfort usually ends up in hurt feelings and loss of friendship. Someone may try to take it too far and then regret it after it happened making the friendship irreparable. Occasionally you just want to be held. Know that someone is there for you and that you can talk to them and know they are not having ulterior motives. Flesh pressed to flesh, resting on a mattress that is lumpy and old and yet the most comfortable thing in the world. It's hands on bare skin, skimming over and soothing your senses, it's soft lips on your own washing away fears with the tender words that are cooed in your ear. The breath warm pulling away the goosebumps.

New York is treating me well. I am glad I ended up here.

And how strange that opening up my Semagic created a entry with the body of the text being nbsp I am pretty damn sure I didn't write that. I am not that drunk.

00028 Lived fast [ and for real ]

When I woke up I was in NYC [Sat x  28 August 2004 x 07:18p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  sleepy ]

I feel a little like Dorothy right now. Like I had this fantastic dream and everyone was there. I remember being at Mat's yesterday and I remember crawling to the bed and now I feel like I just woke up and I am in a here in a hotel in NYC. I got here somehow. I don't really know how but I must have been on a plane at some point. I am unclear as to why I am here and all I have in my pockets were my cigs and my wallet with a note in it to be at a club tonight. The hand writing is Mat's. I should probably clean up and try to find him there then.

00025 Lived fast [ and for real ]

Well means, it works I’m on your side I said that? well so, I lied [Fri x  27 August 2004 x 06:50p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  I'm not dead? ]

It's not a successful night unless I almost get into a fist fight with someone for crossing their boundries and get kicked out of the bar.

3 minutes and 32 seconds that was all it took. Doesn't even feel like a challenge anymore.

When I finally woke up all I had to remember was that I am still alive. Lucky me.

00017 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Thu x  26 August 2004 x 02:08p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  amused ]

I love being the talk of the town.

00021 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Wed x  25 August 2004 x 11:22a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  tired ]

Well I got that whole 5 hours of sleep I am just wide awake now. That was pure sarcasm but Nunook decided to wake me up because he was going to be sick. Apparently he didn't like the slight change of going from Purina One to Purina Dog Chow. I didn't think it would be that big of a difference but apparently to him it was. I can't really argue with a dog that is litterally bigger then me. Just a year ago he looked like this. Now he is just huge. I mean HUGE. He loves to stick out his tongue so you can totally tell he is my dog though.

His favorite new game is to pull me around on my computer chair. He'll come up to me and nudge my elbow with his snout, messing up my typing, until I give him attention. If I put my feet up on the chair and lean over to grab the scruff of his neck he'll start backing up and pulling me all around the livingroom on my chair. I think it fulfills the work dog in him since we're not anywhere near an arctic tundra for him to pull some sled around. He's such a baby though if I lean down and grr like I am going to bite him he'll automatically drop to the floor and roll over on his back to tell me he's not fighting me. Plus he gets along well with Majandra's puppies. Especially since Astrid is the size of his snout.

Everything else has been going really well. Since being home I have been getting out twice a week to dj while writing with the band. There hasn't been any blood shed yet and only a few minor death threats. Things at home have been going really calmly and smoothly as well. Whenever I usually get home at night I spend my time with Majandra. We usually end up laying around and talking for a long while before she'll break out her book and start reading. I like watching her read because I can tell she's really absorbing what she's reading. I notice how her face changes when something catches her eye and makes her interested or annoyed. She's been doing that a lot while reading, "Franny and Zooey". I, on the other hand, have been reading "The Blood of Innocents", which is about the murders at Robin Hood Hills. I really liked "Paradise Lost" and "Revisited". There is something about murder and investigation that intrigues me. The book so far is pretty interesting but the problem with it is that it's pretty one sided. The authors seem to be taking just the police departments side and not exposing any of the shitty work they did in investigating the crime. Either way they are at least presenting something of the case and it's interesting to see their perspective on what they believe happened there. I think next I am going to read a book about the FBI investigator they based "Silence of the Lambs" around. I think it's called "Mind Hunter" or something like that.

And I wonder why I have strange dreams.

0007 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Tue x  24 August 2004 x 12:17a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  drunk as shit ]

majaannndra: today i exfoiliated my face with sugar
majaannndra: IT WORKED
Jade Jonny: with SUGAR?!?!
majaannndra: YTES
Jade Jonny: lmfao did that work?
majaannndra: YES EXCELLENTLY
Jade Jonny: lmfao how mother fucking strange but ok!
majaannndra: well why is it strange! its litttle hard beads
Jade Jonny: but it's STICKY when it's wet
majaannndra: not when you mix it with soap and exfoiliate your face with it!
Jade Jonny: You are so strange baby I love you weirdo

You can't say anything to that, can you?

00013 Lived fast [ and for real ]

OMG PEOPLE STOP MOLESTING ME WHEN I AM DRUNK [Sun x  22 August 2004 x 01:13a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  I wish I was sober ]

aww aren't we cute...well I am at leastCollapse )

00022 Lived fast [ and for real ]

Quick update for the day [Fri x  20 August 2004 x 07:38p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  pissed off/guilty? ]

The next time Mat comes over my house and tells me nicely that he wants to watch "Roswell" with me I am going to kick him out of my house.

Also I am going through more packs of tissues then I am cigarettes. Being sick sucks because I want to smoke but when you're sick and your throat hurts and your chest hurts, it's not the most pleasant experience. So every single time I say I am not going to smoke while I am sick and I am going to use it as a way to quit and the second I feel better, it's back to normal. I know I am not the only one that does this.

I almost made it 2 days without updating my Myspace and then I failed and updated here too again.

00019 Lived fast [ and for real ]

I'm there to monitor your breathing I will watch you while you're sleeping. I will keep you safe [Thu x  19 August 2004 x 02:00p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  peculiar ]

I flew home to Chicago last night after talking with Majandra just a bit more. I left feeling pretty good, I mean the best I could feel anyway. We've said so much in the past few days that I know we both need time apart to sort through it and decide how we feel. I think that is all we can really do at this point. I know where she is and she knows where I am there is nothing really blocking us anymore. In the end I needed to finally go home so I could be with the rest of the band and start a month long writing stint.

I got home just a few hours before Greg and I were to go DJ at Elm Street Liquors. I should have went home and got cleaned up but I really didn't want to go into my house. I realized I haven't actually been in my place since July 27th so you know, why start now? While Greg was getting ready I hopped on his laptop to update my Myspace check the KH site to see if Mat updated at all and he did. I was instantly amused by his update before I even got to the body of it. He wrote;

date: 8.14.04
climate: electric storm last night
reading: book of poetry from a fan in Milwaukee
watching: Fuse, warped tour coverage
listening to: AFI sing the sorrow ; Cheap Trick the flame
x-box: off
eating: vicodin
drinking: vodka

It was very funny to me because it was only a little over a year ago here on LJ he wrote;

Mat Toy Soldier Devine (_matdevine) wrote,
@ 2003-07-20 20:23:00

Current mood: weird

Date: 7/20/03
Climate: September only July
Reading: Warning labels
Watching: Things fade in and out
Drinking: vodka and v8
Eating: vicodin (hence the triple v cocktails)
Listening to: Pixies

I called Greg over to share in my amusement and we both started cracking up at the update. I forgot how funny it was.

For those of you that can't read itCollapse )

Lmao like a native American. Sometimes I seriously forget how absolutely insane he is. I was planning on showing it to him when we got to the bar but I realized that it was the first time that parker ever commented to him so I realized that would be really bad probably. Nothing really happened last night at the bar that is worth mentioning. It's always the same shit anyway and I get tired of feeling like I am having deja vu or that I am just rehashing the same shit over and over again.

However when it was closing time Mat and I skipped out on the after hours party and started walking home. I can't tell you the last time we did that. It seemed like it's been forever that we stumbled out of the bar, when I could walk, and just chatted while waiting for the next train to come. We were about half way to the stop we needed to be at before he turned to me and asked me if I wanted to go to the train stop. It was completely out of the way but it didn't matter. That seemed to be the place to go to. For a moment my brain flicked that it was a bad idea with how absolutely trashed we were but then again years ago we would be just as fucked up if not more and nothing happened then, why not tempt fate once more. Before I knew it I was already changing my direction and heading to the Red line.

Now there is a stop on there that we discovered one night roaming the city fucked out of our minds. At that time of the morning no train actually stops at it but trains do go past it and fast. The platform is high up and old. The metal on it you can see is rusting and even when you're standing still you get the feeling that it could collapse at any moment even though it probably wouldn't. I can't tell you how many times one of us have been up there and slurringly proclaimed that they were going to jump to the concrete below. I think people took it as a suicidal thing and it wasn't. It was more of an invincible thing because I don't think either one of us believed we'd die even though that was most likely the outcome. It was more of a, even though we have this feeling in us that makes us want to jump, even if we did we'd survive because we're stronger then that.

We sat on the bench talking about things you only say at 2 something in the morning when you have been up for God knows how long and have God knows how many substances in your system. It was so quiet, so very quiet before you could hear the train starting to make it's way to the stop. I sprung up and put my toes at the very edge of the platform, putting my arms out to the side and grabbing the steel girders. The train let off it's horn to warn that it was coming before the platform started to shake. Think of The Lost Boys when they are at the bridge and Michael is trying to hold on for dear life. The train passes before you feeling like it's going at the speed of light. Hands grip the bars hard as a inch forward would find your face smack into the side of the train. Everything quakes, your chest rattling like someone inside of a cage, gripping the bars trying to shake them loose. Then as soon as it started it's over. We both fell down on the platform, me laying on my back laughing harder then I have in a long time. I tried to look up at the stars and realized there were none. Here in the city the moonshine is pale and the sky is black. That is what there is to see.

Once it was out of our systems we hopped up and made our way back to where we were supposed to be. I forced him to come back to my place. A part of me really didn't want to go there again alone and from the nights events I could tell leaving Mat alone would probably be a bad idea. It may have been a year ago or more since we were both feeling this way but I still know what to do. We sat around talking a bit about what we were going to work on as far as writing goes. I got really long winded and noticed he fell asleep on the couch while I was talking. So, for old times sake, I pushed him off the couch and passed out on it myself. It feels good to be home.

00013 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Wed x  18 August 2004 x 12:58p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  sick ]

This is the part where I bitch

There is nothing worse then getting a Summer cold. I am running a small fever and the sinus congestion is enough to make me feel like my head is about to explode at any moment. My throat is swollen and raw and it's times like these that I wish I didn't have any tonsils. The only thing saving me from this painful death right now is Advil cold and sinus. God bless the pharmacy.

This is the part where I say something meaningful

No one's kiss is as good as her's. Every single one of them says so much more then we communicate with words sometimes but it's good to know we're working on it and things are going along nicely.

This is the part where I say something retarded

If I was really uncool I would fan boy because Jonny Greenwood added me but I am going to remain calm and say that now I can die happy from my Summer cold if it does happen.

00011 Lived fast [ and for real ]

#12310293812038 Retarded [Tue x  17 August 2004 x 11:03p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  angry ]

I give it about another 30 mintues before I take the computer out once and for all. So far the score is;

Computer - 923401938402394

Jonny - 0

The fucking bastard. It's not who won the battle it's who wins the war! I'll kill it.

On a random note I thought painkillers were supposed to make you mellow?

00017 Lived fast [ and for real ]

My son says dear father what did you do when the world turned over? [Tue x  17 August 2004 x 12:52a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  satisfied ]

I think I was about 6 or 7 years old when I over heard my parents talking about an older cousin of mine. They were discussing his mistakes and actions, calling him a boy when I knew he was already in his mid twenties. I didn't really understand the conversation but I remember later in the evening crawling on the couch next to my dad while he watched The Cosby Show and I asked him why they were talking about my cousin as a boy. I was confused. He was much older then me and they called me a boy, so I wondered why they still called him one and when I would be a man. My father pulled me on his lap and patted my knee before looking at me and saying, "Jonny a man is not merely what his age is. To be a man you have to be your own person with a strong sense of morals and values. You have to be hard working and dedicated and a man is only as good as his word." So I told him if that was the case then I wanted to learn all of this so I could be a man right away but he just laughed it off and said that I was learning already and even if I didn't know it everything that I was being taught I would use later in my life. I wanted to ask him more about it but A Different World was going to come on and even at that age I knew that show sucked.

This "vacation" if that is what you want to call it, to Tenerife wasn't about escaping for me. It wasn't so much about opening up and letting all the bad things out that have been piling up in the pit of my stomach, starting to rise and consume my chest. It was about finding myself again and why I think I should be called a man. It was a strange and long discovery and one that turned into a big reality check for me. I had no idea how far off course I managed to stray. I can only say now that I am glad I stopped when I did and took the time to reflect.

While I was sitting up on that cliff I took a long and hard look at my actions over the past few weeks and found that what I had told Parker when I was drunk still held up when I was sober. I was pretty discontent with my behavior and what that behavior was causing me to feel. I have always been very open and honest with people and I never really distrusted anyone. Not right off the bat anyway. I could see that was starting to change in me. There was something there that was making me leery of everyone that came in contact with me even when I had no right to be acting out in such a manner. It started to become very clear to me. The things I was doing was changing me and not the people I was surrounding myself around. I knew that if I started down this path I would end up like so many of my friends who are disenchanted and disconnected from each other and from themselves. I started to remember my father speaking about how important it was to be responsible. That a man run away from his responsibilities and he doesn't go back on his word. I suddenly realized that I was doing all of those things. I went back on my responsibilities to Majandra and my word to her to stay by her side through thick and thin during our wedding vows. I wasn't being a man anymore I was being a coward. A coward spurred on by anger and only thinking of myself.

I had penned myself out to look like I shouldn't be trusted and that in turn made me distrust other people. I shook my head so many times watching my friends make the same exact mistake that I was disgusted with myself for not having seen it happening to me sooner. I don't want to be that guy where my girlfriend is always watching what I am doing because she doesn't know what to expect of me. I don't want to be the guy that some girl gets with because she doesn't really care and lets me do whatever I want either. I really don't want to be a father that thinks only of himself and winds up messing his kids heads up beyond belief like I have seen happen to so many of my friends. Most of my friends that have really serious issues are usually the ones that had some real fucked up childhood where they couldn't count on one or both or their parents and I would hate myself if my kids in the future thought that way about me. However that was the road I was leading myself down on.

The mistake I made was not listening to my wife and not wanting to hear her out when she was willing to work on our problems. That was so very wrong of me. That is why the divorce rate in this country is so high. I was being a selfish bastard and thinking only of myself. Yes, it's true she hurt me many times but it's not as though I did not hurt her. The difference is she never ran away from me and she was willing to work on what we needed to. I threw in the towel when I should have at least given her one more chance. Before I knew it I was on a plane to Miami in hopes that this time she would give me one more chance.

Half way to Miami the plane made a layover in NYC due to the fact that hurricane Charlie was blowing through Florida. The information about the storms path at the time was fairly unclear and the more I heard that the Keys were being destroyed the more my blood raced through my veins hoping that she and her family were ok. There is a great sense of helplessness when you are stuck in a airport watching the news being told to you so idly by anchormen when you have loved ones you fear you may never see again. I just kept praying to God that everything and everyone would be alright and by the time my plane finally touched down in Miami, 10 hours later, I couldn't race to a taxi fast enough to get to her house.

When I finally arrived there, the house was still standing and there was only a few broken tree limbs on the front lawn. I got out and went to go to the door when I could hear her inside softly playing piano. I leaned against the railing for a bit listening until she finally stopped before I softly rapped on the door with my knuckles. The sight of her was enough to take my breath away for a moment before I gently said to her, "I am sorry and I made a mistake." It was all that would come out of my mouth but it was sincere and honest. She let me in and we spent the next few hours talking before we both gave in and curled on the bed. So exhausted, clothes and all, we entwined together hoping to get the best nights sleep either one of us have had in a long time.

For the past two days I have been staying at a hotel here in Miami but we spend every day together mostly just sitting around and talking. We took a long walk yesterday along the beach and spoke a lot about our families and our own ideas of morals and values and how they seem to fit in with the other's. There's been a lot of discussion about what each of us is looking for out of the other one and although this kind of honesty is hard I think we're better off for opening up and being so frank with one another. Neither one of us are naive or foolish and we know in the end this might not work out but I think we both feel that we owe it to ourselves and to each other to at least give it the try that it really deserves.

In lighter news, I finally spoke with Mat. He and Greg have been busy at home working on some new material and getting out the merch that has been ordered online. They both went to the Cure concert where Mat stalked Robert Smith or as he put it, "promoted the Metro show". Whatever makes him feel better. Right now I am just very proud of him because he remembered to go to the store yesterday and put a couple of copies of Halo 2 on reserve for Nov 9th. Even if he did have to borrow the 5 bucks from Greg. Mmm I can't wait till the Fall.

0003 Lived fast [ and for real ]

We'll shoot back holy water like cheap whiskey they're always there [Sat x  14 August 2004 x 02:05a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  blah ]

It was early this morning when I left Parker sleeping in the hotel room. The sun wasn't quite up yet when I reached the top of the cliff I had jumped off of just a few days earlier. I kicked off my shoes and let my toes dangle over the edge while I brought my knees up to my chest. Even though the morning was a little chilly I felt comfortable bundled up in my hoodie looking out over the ocean and watching the fishermen begin their daily rituals. It's hard to say how long I was out there but the sun was fully up by the time I stood up and pulled off my hoodie, tossing it aside before taking a deep breath and diving into the water. Not just a jump but a real dive, head first.

When you hit the water that hard it's almost painful. The ocean feels as though it's swallowing you whole and then suddenly you're in it, a part of it and it's soothing around you like a blanket. I held my breath longer and opened my eyes examining this scenery that was below the surface, what was always there but from the cliff I had no way of seeing until I took that jump and opened my eyes. I could have spent a lifetime on that cliff looking out over the ocean and watching the people work but I never ever would have seen the school of fish that swam by me under the water or the black coral that seemed to make snake shapes from the lava that once poured into the sea. I needed air as I broke the surface. It funny how the one thing I needed was also the cause of my eyes stinging. The salt in my eyes burned as the light and air hit them but it was worth it to have seen what I did. I knew now that jumping wasn't the wrong thing it was just done in the wrong way.

I swam to shore and climbed back up the cliff, gathering my belongings before going to rent some diving gear. Goggles to protect my eyes and a tank of air for my lungs. With the right protection taking a look at the things I wanted to see wouldn't be as afflictive. I found a group of teens that were taking out their boat and spoke to them a bit, convincing them to let me go with them so I could dive. A few kilometers off the shore they stopped and I tried to remember what I could about diving. I found it to be like riding a bike, once you learn you can't really forget and within moments I was in the water.

It was so serene. So peaceful. I felt like I was floating as I looked around at my surroundings. I swam for a bit taking it all in when I noticed, swimming on the ocean floor below me, a angel shark. I followed it for awhile and maybe I shouldn't have. There's a strange feeling in the pit of your stomach when you're suddenly surrounded by a swarm of barracuda's. It's funny how dangerous they can be and yet I just floated there in awe of them until I was ready to search out something else. Getting further away I swam into an anchor that was located near a cave. I didn't trust myself enough to venture into it and the lighting I had wasn't suitable for cave diving anyway. It's probably just as well since I came across a watery grave and that gave me a sinking feeling. I started to head back into the direction of the boat, avoiding jellyfish and admiring how red some of the starfish were that rested on the coral reefs. With my tank getting low on air I slowly made my way back to the surface, hopping back into the boat that had the kids fishing in it.

It was early evening before they took the boat back to shore. Tired from spending the day in the sun, I apologized to Parker for having been gone all day but I could tell it was unnecessary and that she understood. We ordered dinner in and I started listening to the first My Chemical Romance cd. It's hard to believe it's been over a year since Gerard first started talking about his motivation behind that cd to me. What the songs were about and what they meant to him. I remember the first time Gerard started telling me about "Vampires Will Never Hurt You."

And now the nightclub set the stage for this they come in pairs she said
We'll shoot back holy water like cheap whiskey they're always there
Someone get me to the doctor, and someone call the nurse
And someone buy me roses, and someone burned the church
We're hanging out with corpses, we're driving in this hearse
Someone save my soul tonight, please save my soul

He used to tell me about this bar in New Jersey where he would spend a lot of his time. It was during a time when he thought he needed a lot of medications and would go to the bar every night to sit and drink and watch the other people come and go as he drew. He said the only thing he ended up observing was their lifelessness. That all these people did every night was work all day and drink all night. Staving off the lonely feeling by being with other people in the same predicament. That they felt they were connected by something because they had their hang outs and that nothing would ever really change in their lives, they'd always be vampires. Feeding off each other, getting drunk every night and rushing home before the sun came up. Part of me feels like I have turned into that. All parties have to come to an end sometime, right?

Aug 12, 2004 04:45 PM

Johnny and I also have friend name Jack who many times have gotten us in trouble!!!! Rockstar or not i will never forget the time you made us drive past the real world house to see it!!!! You reality TV whore!!!

Hahah what the hell? Who doesn't love The Real World?

0008 Lived fast [ and for real ]

I got the devil in me, girl [Fri x  13 August 2004 x 12:25a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  disappointed ]

I should know better by now then to drink when I am upset. I don't even have to be a total broke down mess. Just overly thinking about things and drinking will ensure I wake up with a horrible headache. Right now it's hard to even piece together the events of last night. I think I went to bed in a good mood but I know I was far from that just hours previous to that.

It started out innocently enough. It usually does. I was reading my friends page when I came across a long entry by johnrzeznik. I don't know why but I am a sucker for people that write long entries. Most people find them infuriating to sit down and read paragraph after paragraph but I have always seen it another way. If someone had something in them that was tearing them up that much or something in them that they were so passionate about that they could write that much then of course it has to be worth reading. Rarely am I ever disappointed. This time I was just plain flat out shocked.

I was reading his update about fidelity until it got to a line in the post that hit me like a ton of bricks. He simply said I loved her until I didn't anymore. I pride myself on being a really honest person but also a compassionate person so I never wanted to look at anyone in that way. It could be in the back of my mind but I never wanted to look at the harsh reality of saying, I loved her until I didn't anymore even if that was the case, which it was. I just never felt like that was the way you should think of someone that you loved or love but reality always prevails in the end. He said it was because he met someone else and well that was the same with me. Unlike him though I knew it was love at first sight. The second she said hi to me I knew I was gone.

I barely knew a damn thing about her but it didn't matter because I was in love. Only I knew I shouldn't be because there was someone else I was supposed to be in love with. The reality won and I realized that I loved her until I didn't anymore even if I didn't want to admit that. I knew that this girl was going to change my life forever and I had to be with her. So my time was spent going after this girl I was in love with even though I really don't think she had a clue. Mostly because I kept my guard up and wouldn't tell her and made it seem like it was all about sex. I know what I did was wrong and it should have been handled differently but that's my regret to deal with. I just always lived by that statement of, the only person you have to live with forever is yourself so you might as well make yourself happy, and that is what I tried to do.

I was happy for a very long time but I was also very unhappy for a long time. One of the problems with being so passionately in love with someone is the amount of hurt that comes along with it. I never intentionally meant to cause her any pain and I know she didn't mean to hurt me as much as she did but that doesn't change what really happened. There is only so much hurt and pain that one person can take and eventually I just snapped and made my choice that it had to end and just to emphasize it I went and put the nail in the coffin so to speak. Maybe it made it easier on me. To have done something awful so I knew I couldn't look back. Try to make her hate me so the break up would be less confusing.

Except this wasn't a case of, I loved her until I didn't anymore. I never really experienced anything like this before to be so in love with someone and know that you can't be with them because they are not good for you. I know that I am probably not saying the right things and I know that I have not done the right things but this is the only way that I know how to deal with it. I know I am not myself anymore. I am not acting how I used to at all. I found myself questioning people more and there are other's that I flat out don't trust. I'd hate to think that I am losing that part of myself that was willing to be open and trusting of people but I made a promise last night and I intend to keep it. For now all I can do is take it one day at a time and hope that tomorrow is better then today and next week is better then now.

Besides for now I have my speed metal band with jared where we are going to make up songs about bad R&B artists and I am just going to growl WOW occasionally in the song. Jared and I are going all the way to #1, number one hundred.

Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it
To some old boy who lived uptown
Who could afford it
So what's gonna happen to you now?
Therapy... The pharmacy
That's what you'd like to believe
But it ain't easy
When yer goin' crazy
Over the rainbow
"I think your story's jive," she said
There ain't nuthin' wrong with me
If I use it to get me some sympathy
Some ecstasy
A memory... I wanna remember me

00010 Lived fast [ and for real ]

I'm not afraid of happy endings...I'm just afraid my life won't work that way. [Tue x  10 August 2004 x 09:25p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  energetic ]

I woke up today with a sudden burst of energy. I have been feeling pretty drained for the past few days and with the odd time we arrived in Tenerife neither one of us could do much yesterday but lounge around the hotel and sit on the beach. We're in Puerto de la Cruz and the black sand beaches there are incredibly nice. Although it's very much a tourist town it's quaint and old fashioned. Everything seems very slow and relaxed. It was a good feeling to just sit on the beach with a drink, letting the sun warm our skin and the tide roll in and cool our feet. There is a strange comfort for me to be able to dig my toes in the sand. Maybe it's so much time spent in the city and the harshness of the city streets that bang your feet up that when you can just sit down and feel the earth give under your weight it just makes you feel secure. It's an oddly welcoming feeling for me.

Once we were rested up enough we strolled through the city, watching street performers. Little kids like to giggle and try to get them to move when they stand like satutes and of course my eyes lighted up wanting to do the same but I managed to show an ounce of restraint. Walking along she started telling me about how she could mime. I always thought that was an interesting art. Not one that I totally understood but interesting none the less. She promised one day to do it for me and I am looking forward to it. I think just watching her though I might crack up laughing but I promised to hold it in for as long as I could. Along the outskirts of the square there are so many tropical flowers. Like hibiscus and flamingo flowers. I think she was taken in by the bougainvillea, which is something I had never even heard of until that Tori Amos song.

By the time the sun set we managed to make it to Charco square. It's a place where tourists and the natives spend their time with restaurants and bars. The whole square is surrounded by Indian laurel trees. It creates the perfect shade and with the cool breeze that comes off the ocean in the night it only made sense to get a table outside to enjoy our dinner. We had a relaxing meal at Dorada and even tried one of their specially brewed beers which wasn't too bad for Spanish brew. I couldn't help but watch all the people swarming about the square. How they stopped to chat with everyone that they knew and how happy they seemed to see them. There is always so much going on back home or just in the States in general that people forget to do the simple things like say hi. I can't count the number of times someone felt good just because you remembered them. I never wanted to be one of those people that couldn't find the time of day for someone. I guess I just feel more comfortable here because the mentality is more like my own.

As it grew later in the evening we went back to the hotel, relaxing on the balcony while I made Seabreezes and she painted her nails. Which I may or may not have accidently messed up. I am an angel I swear. One thing is for sure, if you want to have a deep and meaningful conversation wait till the middle of the night when two people are drunk and emotionally unbalanced. You'll get a lot more out of your mouth then you'd ever expect to get out. That was freeing and I hope not just for me but for her too. Now though, we know were free and today I want to share with her what I think is possibly the most free feeling in the world. Wish me luck.

0007 Lived fast [ and for real ]

Kind of sarcastic [Tue x  10 August 2004 x 08:10a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  accomplished ]

Congratulations you found out I am single and would like to date me. Owning a Jon Radtke takes special care and attention but if you follow these few simple rules you and your Jon could be happy.

  • Give me drinks. I love to talk anyway and I am very friendly but give me a drink and I will be your best friend and we can talk all night long.

  • Act like yourself. Nothing turns me off more then someone that is acting phoney. I am pretty perceptive (even drunk) and I can tell when you're acting like something you are not. On that subject don't act like you are better then you are because snobby behavior puts me off as well.

  • If I say I like you and I want to get to know you more don't take that to mean we are dating. We're not. It means just what I said, you're pretty cool and I want to get to know you better. That is all. On this subject don't be shocked when I tell you I am seeing someone else. I am single after all and bound to talk to a whole bunch of different types of people.

  • I also don't like anyone that is too possessive of me. I like to feel wanted but not to the point that I feel like I am being watched or that I have a gun to my head. I give people their space and that is all I ask for.

  • One of the things I value most in this world is my friends. Quite possibly one of the worst things you could do is come between them and I. Especially the ones that I have known for a long time. When it comes down to it I will always choose my long time friends over you. If they see you pitting them against me more then likely they are going to chose me over you so just don't.

  • Infact while we are on that subject. Just don't play games. I am very open and forward and tell you exactly how I feel if you like it or not. I am not looking to chase anyone and I don't really care if anyone chases me. If I like you I will say so and you can refer to bullet number 3.

  • Overall I am not a serious person. I like to have fun and show people a good time because it gives me a good time. I don't want anyone that can't be a little adventurous or wild from time to time. That doesn't mean I want someone that is really immature and flighty. Just someone that has a good balance to them and is a free spirit.

Each encounter with your Jon Radtke, comes with a limited time offer, meaning, if you bug the shit out of me, your time is limited. I hope you take these things into consideration before venturing out and trying to get your hands on your very own. In return for your obediance to these points, your very own Jon Radtke will provide you with lots of drinks, loads of hugs, perhaps a little sex, but most importantly, honesty and fun without the head games.

To apply for your own you must contact either parker or amaradunae for ownership
00031 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Sun x  08 August 2004 x 10:34a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  rushed ]

Last minute change of plan because I am flighty like that. Parker and I are off to Tenerife for sun, sailing, diving, drinking, and craps in the casino. If I remember correctly American dollars go further in Spain so maybe I won't lose my shirt so bad. haha who are we kidding as soon as I sit down at the blackjack table I will be begging on the street for change to get some dinner.

So that is the plan. Tenerife, no dealing with bands, work, guys, girls nothing just having a good time. If you don't see her and I around it's probably cause we're having too much fun to deal with any of you :-* I mean I will miss you all and we'll see you when we get back.

0003 Lived fast [ and for real ]

With the heartbreak open so much you can't hide put on a little makeup, makeup... [Sat x  07 August 2004 x 01:55p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  these moods don't fit ]

Sweeping things aside I am going to say things have to look up from here. We have one last show in Milwaukee tonight before we can all go our seperate ways again. Yeah I know we always say we're going to take a break from each other but this time it looks like it might be the best thing to do. For at least maybe a week. Dan has his love affair going on with his cat, Garret will probably be spending time with Ryan and Mat really looks like he wants his own space and I am going to give that to him because we all know Greg will be attatched at his hip anyway.

As for myself I have made plenty of plans to keep myself busy between now and the Metro show in September. All very flexable things so incase anything pops up I can get back to do whatever it is I have to. I am going to go to Palm Springs for jc__chasez's birthday party where I am going to meet up with s_johansson. joeylaurenadams has decided that the theme of the party will be pink. So naturally I will be attending as the pink Power Ranger. Isn't that GREAT? Ok not really but per Scarlett's request I will wear a black button down shirt with a pink tie and pink eyeshadow. Afterwards we'll be going to a hotel that has some great cabana's around the poolside area and I already have some really wonderful idea of what to do with them. Then we will be heading to London where I need to see my goddess, because I think that is really where I need to be anyway.

And Happy Birthday Eric!
...Make sure they get your good side, good side

00011 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Mon x  02 August 2004 x 10:39p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  blank ]

Yesterday started with a phone call from the C.P.D. They have been keeping a tap on my phone to hopefully track down the person that has been harassing me and leaving disturbing messages. All they told me is that there is one number they are looking at. It is someone living in Chicago and they listen to my answering machine before hanging up. I guess my message must be interesting.

Then I went and read my friends page and promptly wished I hadn't. I read it again out of sheer shock, why I was shocked I don't know but there I was in a state of astonishment reading it again as though the things that were registering in my brain were incorrect and I wasn't possibly reading what I was. I stopped myself from reading it again after the second time. We played an early show which I thought would be good. I kind of hoped that I could just get out and play and forget all about it. Just move on and dismiss it. The rest of the nights events wouldn't allow that to happen.

I was having some after show drinks when my mother called to let me know that Nunook cut his paw on a bottle in the park and they had to take him to get stitches. That was kind of upsetting but more upsetting was her confirmation that what I had tried to dismiss earlier was true. She started talking about how Majandra had shown up at their house crying and they thought something had happened to me at first. Which is lovely she scared them like that but then she started asking me if I was ok once they knew what had really happened. I've been having a hard time talking about our break up to being with. It's difficult to discuss it with my closest friends let alone my parents. They don't really know what is going on so they always give you the standard replies, "Are you sure you can't work this out? Are you even sure this is what you want?" Yes, so please stop confusing me even more.

My brain was completely thinking about everything had happened over the past two weeks and the liquor and heat from the club was making me totally confused. Then I got a call from my buddy that is getting married at the end of the month. He just wanted to get in touch with me to make sure I was ok and remind me when I was supposed to be at the church for the rehearsal. I am pretty sure that is about the point I just snapped. I knew I wanted to be home. I don't remember the plane ride back, I barely remember Cody answering the front door. Something in me thinks I was feeding him my ice cream cause it was making me sick and I wanted someone to eat it. Every little thing people said made me insane and hysterical.

You have made me insane and hysterical. So you can now stop this.

I can't think anymore so I am going to go clean the kitchen and it will be spotless.

0009 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Mon x  02 August 2004 x 05:57a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  contemplative ]

If you need to know. It wasn't just casual sex.

00012 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Sun x  01 August 2004 x 06:04p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  busy ]

So far the tour has been going well. It's been good to get out and spend my time in a comfortable place. That probably sounds a little strange but there is a good feeling when you are in a bus with 6 other guys that know you really well and no matter what is going on you know they have your back. It's a calming feeling to know I am going to be on the bus and the worst thing I have to worry about is passing out and Mat wiping his chocolate fingers on me or Wooter trying to get me back with a black Sharpie.

Right now I don't really want to have to worry or think of anything else. You can call it avoidance or denial and maybe it is but I firmly believe that if you don't allow yourself the opportunity to start to feel better then you won't and you'll bring down everyone else that is around you. I actually feel good right now. I guess that is probably not what everyone would expect or want to hear but I do. I feel good because we're playing great and we're out there meeting fans everynight and having a good time. Remembering why I got into this business and in this band in particular is important to me. It's helping me remember who I am and why I love what I do. Getting up on that stage everynight I have felt the most free I have in awhile. It's been the most exhilarating feeling to just let go and be me and then the reaction that I get after the show makes it all worth while.

This entry is not very long but I think I have said what I wanted to. Started to talk again and express myself better. I have missed a lot of people but I am beginning to realize that I miss myself the most.

00017 Lived fast [ and for real ]

[Tue x  27 July 2004 x 04:20p]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  tired/angry/depressed ]

Tom's in the bathroom
Trying to end his life
Sue's in the kitchen
Hiding all her knives

I am tired and I have nothing left to give. I think I slept for an hour last night at the most. My voice is hoarse from cigarette smoking and yelling. My brain is no longer functioning and everything that is coming out is backwards and the wrong way. The cold logic approach is starting to fail and I am surrounded by packing boxes that are all neatly marked and organized. Take a problem, look at it rationally and solve it. Funny how I manage to improve everyone's situation but my own and in the end I am left in the tub crying my eyes out while I clutch a dog collar that once belong to Wednesday. Gripping it like I am trying to suck any life it has in it for myself.

I know her phone number better then I know my own. I know it backwards and skipping over every other number. I want her to scream and get angry with me and hit me until she has it all out of her system. Somewhere in my mind I believe that she deserves that, that I deserve it. I just want it all to be over because I know if I feel this way I can at least imagine how she feels. She'll be here tomorrow but...I am leaving. 10 days at least.

cue the oocCollapse )

00010 Lived fast [ and for real ]

What it is, I got too in touch with nothing much [Sun x  25 July 2004 x 12:45a]
[ Are you feeling? You should be listening to  :  drunk ]

Today I went old school indie and took a white shirt and wrote on it with black marker. My shirt read;

When murder is legal
you'll be first on my list

I am going to go annoy the piss out of Shelton some more.
00025 Lived fast [ and for real ]

.:. Welcome To Chicago, Motherfucker .:.
[ Love  :  My angel on silver lines ]
[ Careful x For when it was all the rage ]
Boys And Girls

Baby, baby, baby...
She wants to go fast and never come back
And never collapse
And he's a real animal gone out of control
Would rather die young than get old.


Boys and girls
They dance like it's the end of the world
Boys and girls
They dance, dance, dance.

She's in designer jeans on amphetamines
I want you badly
And he's a real cannibal and suicidal
Have we gone heavy metal?