Jon Radtke (liljonny) wrote,
Jon Radtke
liljonny

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gonna smash myself to pieces i don't know what else to do

I have said it once before and I will say it again. It's the little things that matter. It's about detail, knowing someone well enough to know what makes them happy. Knowing how they like their coffee, what flavor ice cream is their favorite, which way they like to have their martini, what their favorite flower is. Sometimes it's knowing what makes them feel best. How they like to be hugged, how they like their back rubbed or maybe which way they like to feel your fingers in their hair.

In finding out this information about people you will also discover their weaknesses. Often times people don't even realize the little weak spots they are exposing of themselves because they are focusing on the good things. The pleasurable things. The reason we're all really here. I try not to use other people's weaknesses against them but I am only human and I know when pushed I know which buttons to push. I know what will get under someone's skin. As for myself, I am fully aware of my weaknesses and I know when someone is playing on them and usually it's my choice to let them.

Two things happened recently that may be small but meant the absolute world to me. It's not very often that someone will stop and sacrifice something just for my well being. I am not used to it at all. As appreciative I am of it at the same time I feel guilty. Mostly because for every little good thing that happens it only takes one cutting remark or snide comment to make me question everything and ruin it all. It's how I operate, how I always have. It's an extreme high that can come crashing down to an extreme low. This is the reason I can go from being a really nice person to an asshole in under 2.5 seconds. It is my ying and yang. It's my self defense because I haven't learned another way to deal with it.

I am done. My head is finally clearing after weeks of chemical clouds and there will be no more excuses and no more apologies. I am your best friend, I am an asshole. I am your lover and I am a whore. I am your confidant and I am the knife in your back. I am not anything you aren't yourself.
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