Jon Radtke (liljonny) wrote,
Jon Radtke

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I got the devil in me, girl

I should know better by now then to drink when I am upset. I don't even have to be a total broke down mess. Just overly thinking about things and drinking will ensure I wake up with a horrible headache. Right now it's hard to even piece together the events of last night. I think I went to bed in a good mood but I know I was far from that just hours previous to that.

It started out innocently enough. It usually does. I was reading my friends page when I came across a long entry by johnrzeznik. I don't know why but I am a sucker for people that write long entries. Most people find them infuriating to sit down and read paragraph after paragraph but I have always seen it another way. If someone had something in them that was tearing them up that much or something in them that they were so passionate about that they could write that much then of course it has to be worth reading. Rarely am I ever disappointed. This time I was just plain flat out shocked.

I was reading his update about fidelity until it got to a line in the post that hit me like a ton of bricks. He simply said I loved her until I didn't anymore. I pride myself on being a really honest person but also a compassionate person so I never wanted to look at anyone in that way. It could be in the back of my mind but I never wanted to look at the harsh reality of saying, I loved her until I didn't anymore even if that was the case, which it was. I just never felt like that was the way you should think of someone that you loved or love but reality always prevails in the end. He said it was because he met someone else and well that was the same with me. Unlike him though I knew it was love at first sight. The second she said hi to me I knew I was gone.

I barely knew a damn thing about her but it didn't matter because I was in love. Only I knew I shouldn't be because there was someone else I was supposed to be in love with. The reality won and I realized that I loved her until I didn't anymore even if I didn't want to admit that. I knew that this girl was going to change my life forever and I had to be with her. So my time was spent going after this girl I was in love with even though I really don't think she had a clue. Mostly because I kept my guard up and wouldn't tell her and made it seem like it was all about sex. I know what I did was wrong and it should have been handled differently but that's my regret to deal with. I just always lived by that statement of, the only person you have to live with forever is yourself so you might as well make yourself happy, and that is what I tried to do.

I was happy for a very long time but I was also very unhappy for a long time. One of the problems with being so passionately in love with someone is the amount of hurt that comes along with it. I never intentionally meant to cause her any pain and I know she didn't mean to hurt me as much as she did but that doesn't change what really happened. There is only so much hurt and pain that one person can take and eventually I just snapped and made my choice that it had to end and just to emphasize it I went and put the nail in the coffin so to speak. Maybe it made it easier on me. To have done something awful so I knew I couldn't look back. Try to make her hate me so the break up would be less confusing.

Except this wasn't a case of, I loved her until I didn't anymore. I never really experienced anything like this before to be so in love with someone and know that you can't be with them because they are not good for you. I know that I am probably not saying the right things and I know that I have not done the right things but this is the only way that I know how to deal with it. I know I am not myself anymore. I am not acting how I used to at all. I found myself questioning people more and there are other's that I flat out don't trust. I'd hate to think that I am losing that part of myself that was willing to be open and trusting of people but I made a promise last night and I intend to keep it. For now all I can do is take it one day at a time and hope that tomorrow is better then today and next week is better then now.

Besides for now I have my speed metal band with jared where we are going to make up songs about bad R&B artists and I am just going to growl WOW occasionally in the song. Jared and I are going all the way to #1, number one hundred.

Whatever did happen to your soul?
I heard you sold it
To some old boy who lived uptown
Who could afford it
So what's gonna happen to you now?
Therapy... The pharmacy
That's what you'd like to believe
But it ain't easy
When yer goin' crazy
Over the rainbow
"I think your story's jive," she said
There ain't nuthin' wrong with me
If I use it to get me some sympathy
Some ecstasy
A memory... I wanna remember me
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